Reporter: Noah Laybolt
There’s nothing worse than desperately searching for a place to relieve yourself in a time of need and stumbling upon the waking horror that a poor layout, high traffic, or uncleanliness can turn a public restroom into. Memorial University has a huge campus with a ton of bathrooms, some good and some bad. Luckily for you, I’m about to list the top five. I’ve actually kept these spots a secret for many years, holding the locations of these linoleum treasures to myself. Only now have I decided to provide this service to the public, mostly due to the fact that I believe journalistic integrity involves selflessness. This is probably the most important article you will read during your studies here.
A Caveat: I am an arts student and have therefore not spent very much time in the engineering, chemistry, or business buildings. If there are any high-class lavatories in any of these places I haven’t really been exposed to them. Feel free to write me about this if I’m missing anything substantial that a STEM major would know about on that side of the campus.
Number Five: Education Building, Second Floor, Outside of Lecture Hall 2018 A-B
This room is like the scene in The Matrix where all of those gun racks zoom towards Neo and he’s just sort of taken aback by the awe and splendour of everything. The room is massive. I don’t know why they decided to install enough stalls, sinks, and urinals in this one bathroom to service an Olympic Village but they did. There’s also an exuberant amount of square footage available for just walking around. You could play softball in this bathroom. And the most beautiful part of it all? It’s almost always empty.
Number Four: The Music Building, First Floor, Near Instrument Lockers
This entry owes its spot on the list entirely to ambience. Yeah, things are maintained really well and there’s usually nobody here, but you can also faintly hear the sound of operatic singing and classical music playing as you take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. It’s angelic, transfixing, and ultimately a transformative experience that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Number Three: Arts Building, Near The Cashier’s Office, Kind of Tucked into the Right Side if You’re Heading Towards the Gym
This is criminal. This bathroom has a much higher standard of cleanliness than any other that I’ve seen on campus, and I believe that’s because it’s used primarily by administrative people and those guys get preferential treatment. Didn’t expect this to devolve into classism? Too late. By using this hidden administrator’s bathroom between classes, you’re fighting the system and sticking it to the man. This room has pink tile, is rarely used, and has good mirrors and lighting. It is art.
Number Two: Bruneau Centre, Literally Any Bathroom, But Especially in the Graduate Studies Area Near the Back
Like celebrated American thespian Jeff “The Tank” Goldblum, this building is as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside. It’s a glass paned feat of post-modernist architecture and you feel like you’re on the set of Grey’s Anatomy or an Avengers movie or something when you’re inside of it. The bathrooms don’t disappoint here either. Head to the graduate studies area to feel like you’re an extra on Suits taking a break between consultations. Very metallic and cool.
Number One: Education Building, First Floor, Gender-Neutral Bathroom
Want to feel progressive as hell while you use the bathroom? Congratulations hero, you’ve found the right place. There’s a stall, mirror, urinal, shelf, and sense of complete and total privacy in this room that locks with one of those convenient red/green “occupied” things and accommodates exactly one person. It could only get more comfortable than this if you were in the sanctity of your own dwelling. Props to MUN for setting this place up.
Thanks for reading this list. I hope that you use this powerful information for good.
Godspeed.