The Sober Reporter

Disclaimer: The following events are exaggerated or fictitious in nature. Any similarities to names and events are purely coincidental. Please enjoy the read.

“You ever have a Near Miss?”

Little question me and my friends came up with after a res party.

“A Near Miss is like the opposite of a One Night Stand, you know? Where you’re like, ‘I could totally go down on this hunk,’ but then you find out something totally wretched that destroys the magic.”

Basically, it has all the makings of a One Night Stand; intense passion, a good time, a boatload of the three Ls: Loans, Liquors, and Lust. But then something happens that takes the lust right out. Kills the fantasy on the spot, like the angel on your shoulder took a 12-gauge and fired it right at the devil that’s been controlling your brain for the last two hours.

In other words, no one gets screwed.

Now, this all started out on the first week of Winter Semester when I was a first year. Just got out for Christmas, visited my folks, and now I’m ready to forget all the embarrassing moments that came with it!

Plus, my boyfriend dumped me on New Years, so that’s rotten.

Perfect catalyst already.

Everyone’s student loans came in and the first open mic of the semester was starting at the Breezeway in the UC. So, you know, a fistful of taxpayer’s money is going straight to my liver! And by the looks of the crowd, a few hundred people had the same idea.

“I was freshly 19, I was single, and about to get totally lit!”

Friend’s words, not mine, I promise.

The smell of liquor was intoxicating, and a bunch of the singers were already set up and playing the classics of the early 2000s. Dunno the song, but I know I loved it.

I was going to meet up with my res friends who were all crowded around the bar, totally flirting with the cute bartender down the lane when all of a sudden I felt a quick tap on my shoulder.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

He was as cute as a ribbon on a goat. What do you think I said?

So, he already had two out of the three L’s, but there was one thing left to hit before we had the complete set. And I got that 3 drinks and two bills later. I don’t know how I remember the next few hours so well. I guess you never forget your first.

We danced in the center of the bar for hours and hours, the aroma of electric lemonade resonating all over the air. We swayed, we grinded, we did everything we could possibly do without a yoga mat. We stopped following the songs, and the songs started following our movements. We shared the taste of Belgian Moons (among other tastes). In a moment of delusional longing, I wanted to have “Wonderwall” be our song!

To say it was magical would be an understatement. I thought it was a dream come true. You know for a fact the big three Ls were scratched off for me: The loans were in, the liquor was in, and the lust was absolutely in.

I was ready to leave the bar and spend the night with him.

That was until I asked one simple question:

What are you studying, by the way?

And he said the one word that told me we would never have a future.


You never forget your first Near Miss.